Needed to feel connected…

I will never admit to being a great communicator.  I do think I am a bit more aware of how to communicate efficiently and a bit more in tune with the importance of said skill than perhaps the average person, I am no expert. That being said, I am feeling very disconnected.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, my dream of helping someone else grow their family stemmed from watching close friends of mine suffer from infertility or dangerous pregnancy/birth situations.  I planned to help people I know and love.

When that shifted and I knew I would be working with strangers, everything I read and researched led me to believe that a beautiful friendship would blossom and I would extend my family at least temporarily while I helped them with something the desperately wanted.  I understand that I am still very early in my journey and that I need to give it time… the frustrating part is that I am not allowed to communicate with my IP’s at all until 1) I am medically cleared and 2) the legal contract has been signed.  And, what’s a bit more frustrating is that not all agency’s work that way.  A close work friend signed up to be a surrogate at the same time so we are comparing notes.  She hasn’t been medically cleared yet… hasn’t even gone to the appointment yet… and she is directly talking with and emailing her IP’s. #canyousensethebitterness?

When my agency was going over their procedures, the director explained all of this to me and I totally understood.  The IP’s that choose surrogacy have been through a really tough battle with lots of disappointments (some so devastating I can’t even begin to fathom because if I did I would turn into a crying heap in front of my students right now as they write their essays). The last thing these parents need is to connect with someone who maybe isn’t ready physically/legally to help them. To begin a relationship and get super excited and start emotionally investing into a process that might not actually work out… it’s a dangerous gamble.   And, if I think about it, again, as I type this, I am reminded that this is really probably the best way to save their hearts and ultimately mine…. but man.  It also sucks quite a bit.

Another reason I am frustrated is because the surrogate mom I met with that helped me take that final plunge into submitting my application sold me on the idea of it going very quickly… I forget that on the other side of things and looking back its easy to say that.  Reflect on any significant life event and it seemed like it happened in a flash… but when you were actually in it… it was taking eternity.  High school, for instance, was never ever ever going to end.  Then, a week after graduating it felt like it was just an blink (all the life lessons, drama, excitement, firsts… just over.  Woah!). Anyway, I took her literally and as I am sitting at another standstill in a 3 week wait to become cleared, I am struggling…  again.

Waiting is the pits.  And feeling completely out of the loop while doing so is even worse.

So, knowing that I need some semblance of validation and a sense of purpose to help in the moments of nervousness or mental angst caused by the unknowns of this whole process I’ve taken to reading infertility blogs.  I guess it helps me feel connected with women (*mostly- though there is a blog written by a dad that’s kind of enlightening) who are suffering and struggling… they are my surrogate IM’s while I wait, not so patiently, to talk to and connect with my real one.

The downside to that, though, is that it makes me wish I could help them all.  But I only have one uterus and if this whole process doesn’t speed the hell up it might be shriveled and useless before I ever get to use it to benefit anyone!

Not so patiently yours,
proud surro… wait
Soon-to-be wait that might jinx it
Just me

PS- I realize that the process is here to protect all involved parties.  I also realize that jumping into something hastily might cause problems and HUGE issues since the stakes are high… I get it. I appreciate it.  I just wish I could talk to the parents and be in a more exiting part of the process.

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