I hate not knowing how things work and how to plan for them. My type A personality doesn’t deal well with not being in control. So I find myself googling things like, “how long will it take to start bleeding during a miscarriage?” or “When will my BETA numbers be back down to zero after miscarriage?” or “How long before I can do another FET after miscarriage?”
The consensus… everyone is different and really there is no telling. *eyeroll*
So, I am waiting. Ugh. The sadness still lingers. I am okay mostly, until I realize that now I have to start back at ground zero and the parents do too. Or until I realize that moving next summer, instead of being recovering from labor and delivery, I might be giant pregnant and miserable in the Texas heat. Or until I realize that my current teaching schedule is NOT conducive to morning blood draws and early morning U/S visits (which is how the monitoring clinic here likes to schedule things). Or until I think of how glorious my schedule would have worked out perfectly for afternoon visits with my OBGYN. There are a ton of tiny little moments like this that I have to shake off throughout the day.
So, after a weekend of googling previously mentioned miscarriage questions and attempting to get some sort of contact from the CA Clinic to find out what will happen when and roughly how long it could be before we move forward with another try to make these IP’s a baby, I succumbed to just trying to breathe and find silver linings. I attempted to just “be okay with whatever” and “live in the now.” I do know that it will all be okay. I know that. I’d just like to know when.
On another note- today was my first day back with students. My teaching schedule is brutal. I have 6 perios total and I teach the first 5 BACK TO BACK. Which means I don’t really even have time to go to the bathroom between 8:30-1:30! And, without processing time between classes, it’s hard to perfect my “spiel” and figure out which ways are most effective. AND I lose track of which classes I’ve said what to?!? Whew. It’s intense. To top it off, right in the middle of 4th period I become STARVING because I’ve been awake since 5:30 and my delicious breakfast that hubby made is no longer holding me over.
Its certainly going to take some time to adjust. But I’ll find my groove. I always do.
This morning, since this whole taking the kids to school in addition to getting myself ready is still new, I forgot to take my “just in case I start bleeding” provisions with me in my bag. I figured it was the Murphy’s Law of Miscarriage: If you aren’t ready for it (with pads or tampons etc.) it will surely come full on. Right?!? Maybe I could have taken this a step farther and tempted fate by wearing white?! Anyway, I was ill prepared but since it didn’t seem to be starting I figured it was alright to push my luck. Plus I teach on a hallway with women, surely one could help me out in my hour of need (if that hour should ever come?!?). And, there’s a nurse.
But, as it’s looking now, over halfway through my day, I won’t need anyone to rescue me and Murphy’s Law of Miscarriage is not a real thing. Boo. More waiting. 🙄
I did hear from the CA clinic today and will go in to the clinic here in TX on Thursday to have a blood draw and make sure BETA numbers are going down. So there’s progress. I’m curious; since my numbers were already so low, is there any chance they’ll be at zero by the time I go in for that draw?! I sure hope so.
PS- at 3:30 today as I was doing a quick re-read of this blog before publishing, I felt that all too familar gush. The dull back pain I had been experiencing early afternoon was not, in fact, due to standing all day in front of my classes but instead cramping. So perhaps Murphy’s Law of Miscarriage does work.
I feel it’s important to note that I am, by no means, making light of this situation. I am very devastated and rocked by this. To the point where my husband was worried that maybe being a surrogate is not a good idea. So, while this may seem as though it is not in good taste, please know that I do not mean to offend anyone who has ever gone through this or something much worse/more tragic. Again, my desire to be a surrogate is motivated by my desire to help ease the pain and suffering women who have struggled with this sort of thing and I am hugely humbled by now having experienced it myself.