Monika's Musings

5dp5dt… relief.

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Alright- so I lost my mind a little. I admit it. I went nuts. But, at least a few of my dearest friends and my sister acknowledged that they were sort of seeing something too. That helped me to feel a little less loony (though not much).

And then, when my husband, who still smelled like margarita 😑, came home I confessed to him what I had done. Luckily he laughed about it instead of scolding me like I thought he might. He also said, “oh lord, you’ve turned into one of them.”

(Quick back story- I told you I am obsessed with all things fertility/uterus/pregnancy/ovulation/birth- and when we decided to try for kids, I became a lurker of all the pregnancy boards and stared at pee sticks any free chance I could get and maybe, on occasion, would show my husband a post or two that would make him roll his eyes because guys just DON’T get it.)

Anyway- I showed him my “I think maybe there’s a line but also when I really look there probably isn’t a line” test and he told me I had lost my damn mind. I acknowledged to him that I was already aware and that I wasn’t asking for confirmation on THAT! He obviously didn’t see it. Which is fair. It probably wasn’t there. 

Before I let him go to sleep, I asked him to promise me that we could go get more tests tomorrow- and at least one “nice test” that cost more than $.88 or $1. After looking at me in disbelief and saying, “you already peed on ALL the other tests?!?” He looked into my best puppy dog eyes and said, “fine, woman!”

Today- I bought 5 more tests. 3 x $.88 and a two pack of First Response tests ($8.98).

And then rushed home to pee on them- because I’m an addict. I would have peed on them in the car if I thought my husband wouldn’t divorce me 😜.

I peed into the frigging plastic sample cup and dropped exactly three drops onto the test and watched the sample move across the window. Again, because I’m obsessed, I know where the test line should be, when I couldn’t even make out the hint of pink residue clinging to it, my heart sank. Damn it. I know it’s still early but I’d really really really like this transfer to work and I’d really really really like to be able to help this family have a little girl! And if this one doesn’t work, there is only one more girl embryo left and it will really totally shake my confidence (and probably theirs too) if we have to do another transfer even though the contract says we will try 3 times and then reassess. 

As you can tell—- I started coming unhinged a little…. alright, a lot. 

I re-read the package directions and it said that results could take 60 seconds to 3 minutes so I continued to stare at the damn test- willing it to change. It didn’t. 

Somewhere around the 3 minute mark, my lovely children that I had distracted with popscicles so I could pee in private must have finished their delicious treat because I could hear them shouting and calling for me because heaven forbid I leave their sight EVER. So I left the test on the counter and glumly went back to the kitchen. 

I wiped both their faces and hands, removed the sticky mess from the counter, and released them from their chairs (I have to strap them in or they’ll follow me!).

My son ran off while I texted my sister and then he reappeared in the kitchen asking “what’s this, mom?!” (He’s 3 going on 15 and stopped calling me “mama” about 2 months ago. 😢).

It was the test! (Note to self, hide your shit!)

Here’s what I saw:

 Even someone not obsessed with pee sticks can see that! Right?! 

As a test, I asked my son how many lines  he could see (since he’s 3 and we’ve been working on counting). He said two! Wait, that could totally be a fluke! 

Remember to point as you are counting and touch each one as you say the number. Try again.”

He put his chubby little finger next to the control line and said, “one.” Then moved his chubby little finger to the ever so faint line next to it and said, “two.” IF HE CAN SEE IT MY HUSBAND WOULD TOO! 🎉

 But, sadly my husband was out on a run… so I did what any good addict would do. I went to the bathroom where I had just finished peeing, sat onto the toilet, opened the box of the more expensive tests, tore open the pouch, uncapped that sucker, and held it in place while I willed my bladder to produce more waste so I could pee on another stick. Yes, exactly 7 minutes after having just peed. 

By a miracle of my kidneys I had just enough to dribble on that damn stick:


Y’all! I’m having someone else’s baby!!! Grow little girl embryo grow!!!

But don’t worry… I still have 3 tests and my BETA isn’t until Wednesday… so you can bet your ass I’ll pee on each of ‘um.

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