T-minus ONE HOUR

Que tears.

I can’t control my emotions y’all.  I’m a damn mess.

T-minus one day (aka yesterday)- I dropped my kids off for their last day of orientation and my son, who doesn’t want to use the potty at school for some reason (Google claims this is normal), was getting VERY anxious in the car line.  The teachers come get the kids out of the car to help with separation anxiety (I LOVE THIS SCHOOL) and we’ve talked to both of the kids a lot about how we need to greet the teachers when they get there and be polite, etc.  So when I started into that speech, Tucker looked at me with eyes filled with terror and promptly started to cry.  Real tears.  Real, BIG, tears.  I KNOW that it is because he needed to use the potty and didn’t want to at school.  Then, because he was crying, Sage got scared and she started crying.  Que tears from mommy.  Lots of them.  Mascara smearing style tears.  And snot.  Oh the snot.  (note to self, put tissues or napkins or something in the car!)

Then, my husband texted about these new pans.  He does 90% of the cooking at our house (have I mentioned just how awesome he is??) so he spoiled himself by getting some new pans.  Well I used one of the pans to make salmon the other night and the tongs I used to turn the salmon scratched the pan.  He was upset about me not being more careful.  I felt bad, but in the exact moment I got defensive instead of just apologizing.  So Boom, now I’m fighting with my husband over a damn pan and crying about my kids who I just know are still crying and making the teacher’s lives hell and they are going to get kicked out of the amazing school that I just love and my life has melted to complete and utter shit.  (Which is totally not true, I could tell that both babies were fine before they even made it into the building, but still…)

So, I walk into the school looking ratchet as hell, sit in the meeting without talking to anyone and WILL myself to get my life together.  But, as I am sitting there, the water works start again.  I do NOT cry publicly y’all.  I am not that type of person. I yell and laugh and I am a completely open book and will answer any question (no matter how personal) with truth, but I do NOT CRY.  And here I am sitting there in this meeting with tears streaming down my face because I’m fighting with my husband over a pan.  What is wrong with me?!?  And how do I escape to the bathroom to avoid a scene?!?!  I was only just barely holding it together and was at the point where the kind person who might dare ask me, “Are you okay?” would release the flood gates.  So I stood, and with my best “don’t look at me” body language, escaped to the bathroom where I looked in the mirror and gave myself a mental pep-talk:  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! And that’s when the tears really fell.

So, when you can’t beat them…

I slid down the door (the farthest from the toilet I could manage) and sobbed into my hands and sniffled into the rough paper towels and try to muffle my cries into my knees. When the tears and sobs stopped, I stood, cleaned my face as best I could, and walked back into my meeting.

I felt a lot better.  I apparently just had to get it out.

I finished knocking stuff out at work.  I was a machine.

But, the day was not done with me yet.

After the normal evening chaos (feeding, bathing, snuggling babies) I felt only what I could call pressure in my pelvis.  This is totally TMI but it felt like I needed to use the bathroom.  So that’s where I went.  Much to my dismay, I did not need to go.  So I wiped.  I felt an all too familiar slipperiness and looked down.  Sure enough.  Red.  Bright red. Alarm bells immediately started sounding in my mind though I have read enough on pregnancy/IVF/TTC boards to know that bleeding in early pregnancy is fairly common.  I tried desperately to remain calm, but was failing miserably (see above about being emotionally unstable).

I called my husband into the room to have him look.  As if he was going to be able to tell me more about the situation… um, hello…. he has a penis and he is NOT a doctor.  How I thought he would be able to tell me I don’t know.  Again, not thinking logically.

I immediately went to take my suppository and have my husband give me my progesterone shot… I am supposed to take them in the evenings and usually wait until just before bed, but I know that early losses are sometimes due to progesterone levels being low so what could it hurt, right?

Then I called the emergency line for the CA Clinic.  And googled.  And texted a couple of friends who had experienced early miscarriages.  Everyone said the same thing (obviously the doctor’s words were most comforting as, ahem, they do this for a living): “bleeding in the first trimester is nothing to fret about and is very common.  Try to relax as best you can and wait for your scan tomorrow morning.”

Ensues more tears and more anxiety.

A day I’ve been so looking forward to for multiple reasons (yay heartbeat, yay release to normal life, yay sex!) is now something that I am very very very very anxious about.

The active bleeding was very short lived and the pelvic pressure stopped after a few minutes.  I was eventually able to get to sleep, but the exhaustion that haunted me all day was suddenly no where to be found.

This morning, I had a couple drops of blood in the toilet that was more brownish.  I would bet it was left over from last nights episode. At least I am hoping that it’s all over and done and everything is just fine, but I am now not so confident that is the case.

As I draft this, I am one hour from the appointment that I have been excited for for weeks.  I was so very much looking forward to having the parents on Facetime to share in hearing their daughter’s heartbeat for the first time. For the first time since I peed on the stick and saw two lines, I am now filled with anxiousness that maybe there won’t be a heartbeat.  How will that make the parents feel?  How am I going to feel?  Does it mean that I did something wrong?  Why is this happening?  How could I have prevented this bleeding?  What does the bleeding mean?  Please please please please please let it just be something random and not signs of something much more horrible.  Please please please please don’t let me disappoint these parents any more.  They have suffered enough.   Please please please please please let everything be okay.

ugh… here I go.

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