Welp…

Not good news.  Not at all.

I am supposed to be somewhere around 6 weeks pregnant.  Like 6 weeks and 3 days or something.  My fake Last Menstral Period date is July 12th (transfer date of 5 day embryo was July 31st).

I was super anxious and kept trying to tell myself to calm down and that I just needed to wait.  I told the doctor when he came in for the scan that I am surrogate and the parents would like to facetime during the appointment BUT I had some bleeding last night and now I am a little worried.  He said that while he would love to have the parents present, he felt it would be best to get the good news first and then call them.

I agree.  We can always pretend it is the real deal and that way, if, heaven forbid, there is bad news, I can steel myself for its delivery.  Or maybe the doctor would do it.  I had no clue how it all works.

Dr. tilted the table back so my lady bits were way up in the sky.  Then he inserted the probe for the trans-vaginal ultrasound. It seemed an eternity as he moved it around and clicked a couple of images for the clinic.  He explained that my lining was “nice and thick which suggests pregnancy” and then got quiet again.  He kept moving the wand around.  Then sighed.  Fuck.

He explained that there is nothing in the uterine cavity that would suggest pregnancy. They should see at least a sac but they usually, at this point according to my dates, expect a sac and a pole and usually a heartbeat.  He also explained that dates could be wrong (though I certainly don’t know how that all works.  I mean, the date was pretty clear on the transfer and the date of the embryo was verified 435 times before they inserted it?!).  I don’t know.  I have never done IVF.

Then he explained that he was going to check my ovaries in case it was an ectopic pregnancy. But, upon examination, they seemed clear.  That, though, “doesn’t mean that I am in the clear.”

I am thankful that the IP’s weren’t on the phone because I couldn’t control the tears.  Again.

As he removed the probe and lowered the table he said they would like to draw blood but need to get on the phone with the CA clinic.  (Way too early to get a hold of anyone there so I called the emergency line again and the same doctor from last night talked to the nurse here in TX.)

Before he left the room I asked for clarity, “There is no way I have a viable pregnancy? It’s not just too early?”

His reply, “I do not think so.  It is either ectopic and we will need to take action or the situation is already trying to resolve itself in miscarriage which explains your bleeding.”

More tears.

Jesse decided that he didn’t want to just go into radio silence with the IP’s so he texted them and let them know everything that we know.  They immediately called to check on me.  I was still a crying mess and couldn’t talk except to try and apologize.  They were so sweet and caring and concerned for me (not the child that I am apparently miscarrying/going to miscarry) and that only made it worse.  Their genuine heartache FOR ME made me feel so much more guilty.

What went wrong???

I went to another clinic to have my blood drawn and now we wait.  I have been instructed to continue meds as prescribed and they will be in contact.

Again, a blind corner.  I don’t know what comes next but I am both afraid of it and anxious for it to be here already.

Bad days… worse.

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3 thoughts on “Welp…

  1. Im so sorry for everyone involved. I hope it passes quickly, I know nothing really helps in times like this, it just sucks. Have a drink, snuggle your husband and babies and most of all dont blame yourself. These things just happen and its terrible but nothing can avoid them.

    Liked by 1 person

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