At 5:00 I called the CA clinic (3 their time) because I was done waiting. The IP’s were still holding out a small glimmer of hope that it was just too early and I wanted to be able to hope with them, but was struggling.
After waiting on hold for a while I finally got connected with someone who put me on with the doctor that I spoke with last night when I was panicking. She was also the same one I spoke with this morning when I was crying stupid hard. She was so very kind and even her gentle voice on the phone felt like she’d be hugging me if I was there in her office receiving the news.
The pregnancy did not develop as normal. Just like the doc in the TX clinic told me during the ultrasound. (😢 here they come again) According to the pictures they received in the CA clinic, “there was nothing in the uterus” and “due to my low beta numbers, the situtuation looks like it will resolve on its own.” This means the pregnancy has already ended and I will eventually start to miscarry.
I’m pretty devastated. I think it might be more deveststing than if it were just mine. But this wasn’t mine. I was trusted to hold and care for something ever so precious by two very thoughtful and loving people and I fucked it up. I know that I did all I could and followed all the rules I was given exactly, but something still went wrong and it’s hard not to question what I could have done differently.
So, super nice doctor instructed me to stop all meds. She told me that my beta numbers were in the mid 200 range (my last beta two weeks ago which had doubled was at 389 or something) so they are already dropping. I will have to go in weekly until the number is back down to zero. I should start bleeding soon and she advised that it should be much like a regular period. I do still have to make sure and go to the hospital if there are any sharp pains (sign of ectopic pregnancy) or if I soak through more than one pad an hour (hemmoraging).
When I asked what this means for trying again, she said that she couldn’t really advise me since she isn’t the doctor on my case, but the normal protocol is to wait until the start of my next cycle. So bleed/miscarry, wait until my hormones do what they are supposed to do naturally (decrease, rise, ovulate, decrease, period), then hopefully start bleeding again. After that we can begin a new cycle. Depending on my body it could be anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks before we can even start BC and such again. Which means it is highly likely that it will be November. Ugh. Waiting is miserable. And again, it isn’t just me. There are two other people who are waiting. And they only have one more little girl embryo left. 😢😭😭 (if I stop drinking water will the crying stop?! Anyone know?!)
This all sucks.
So- in an effort to halt the tears I’m going to try to find some silver linings:
- Wine- I can officially drink again until my next cycle starts. (But really, once I had stopped, I don’t really even miss it that much. 😕)
- Sex- I was so very much looking forward to getting some tonight. But I’ll be honest. I have a head ache from crying all day and crying during sex is pretty much a turn off. (And I’m eventually going to start bleeding and that makes things messy. Ugh, even this is not really quite the pick me up I was hoping for)
- Running- again, not feeling like it right now, but maybe tomorrow a good long run will feel nice. To sweat and get my heart thumping hard in my chest and to feel out of breath and tired. (I’ll be honest again, two weeks of yoga first thing in the morning might have converted me. It’s so much easier on the body and is kind of a nice way to start the day.)
This list didn’t help. I’ll cut myself some slack; it’s still too soon. I would happily give all this stuff back for the sound of a heartbeat…
well, maybe not the sex. 😉