Life as we know it

Mom coffee

Any other mom’s out there feel this way?  No?  Just me??!

I swear I look around me and the other mom’s out there just seem to have their shit together all the time.  I understand that it is just a glimpse, a snapshot, of their day, but I feel so frazzled all the time! And I swear you can see it on my physical being, you know?!  Like when you decide not to put your face on for a day and people are all, “are you not feeling well?”  And you’re all, “Well, I was feeling fine, but now I feel a little shitty, but thanks.”  Except instead of sick I just look frazzled- I feel as though people look at me and think, “Man, she needs a break… or a shot… or a massage… something!”

Here’s my week day dash:

  • 5:20- alarm wakes me up… kinda (SNOOZE)
  • 5:30- for real, get your ass up alarm.
  • 5:35-6:35- YOGA (I love this part of my day, the quiet, the dark, the focus on JUST ME)
  • 6:35-7:10- Shower and dress myself.  Husband wakes up and starts breakfast.
  • 7:00-7:20- Dress kids and get them to the breakfast table.
  • 7:20-7:45- eat breakfast, pack up lunches, get Tucker to pee before getting in the car, change Sage’s diaper for school, get in the car.
  • 7:50- Drive to kid’s school
  • 8:00-8:15- hang out in the pick-up line.  We usually sing songs or watch half and episode of Daniel Tiger.
  • 8:15-8:30- BUST MY ASS TO GET TO MY JOB WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO REPORT BY 8… Heaven forbid there be traffic because I might ram someone.
  • 8:30-8:40- get myself organized and caffeinated before the kids pour into my classroom.
  • 8:40-12:50- TEACH all the kids all the things all without food or water because when the hell do I have time to get to the bathroom?!?
  • 12:50-1:40- LUNCH (and usually some kid making up an assignment or just hanging out in my room because I am not mean enough to tell them to GTFO)
  • 1:45-3:10- Teaching again
  • 3:10-4:00- Getting everything ready for class the next day (Copies, grading, teacher meetings, etc)
  • 4:00-4:20- Drive home
  • 4:20-5:20- unpack lunches and school bags, clean coffee pot, straighten up kitchen, take care of diapers (we do cloth, yes, I realize I could simplify things by going to disposable but Climate Change), get bags ready for next day, help get kids to clean up some toys (or not, because “I’m still playing!!!”), snuggle kids, wipe runny noses, you know… mom stuff.  SOMETIMES we do a family walk during this time (but that is not nearly as picturesque or calming as it sounds, I promise).
  • 5:20-5:45- Prep dinner while kids scream, yell, bother each other until someone is crying and I’m about to go bat-shit crazy (or, I turn on a show… whew, quiet).
  • 5:45-6:30ish- eat dinner and clean up dinner (husband and I take turns with meals and clean up)
  • 6:30-7:00- Bathe kids and get them in PJ’s (Other parent finishes cleaning kitchen or house and toys that kids didn’t put up)
  • 7:15- Story for Tucker then kisses and lights out. (Sage gets to run around like an only child for an additional 45 minutes since she naps and I put lunches together)
  • 8:00- Sage goes to bed.
  • 8:00-9:00— adult time… which is usually spent doing laundry or some other chore that we haven’t finished.  Also, since I have 170 students and it’s English, I usually have some sort of grading to do… but I try DESPERATELY to get this done during my work day because it isn’t fair to my family otherwise. There is usually one day a week that I will have to grade for a few hours and that is always after kids are in bed.
  • 9:15- lock down house, get ready for bed (shots and pills for surrogacy)
  • 9:30- my head hits the pillow and I’m usually asleep not long after (unless I am not done grading!)

It’s exhausting.

Someone tell me it gets easier?  And if not, how the hell did I not know this is what my death would look like????

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Transferring plans 2nd go round

For our first transfer my sister (early childhood educator) was on summer break as was I. There weren’t nearly as many moving parts to orchestrate as there will be this time. 

First, a recap: 

  • Kids aren’t allowed (rest and relaxation are key and most clinics don’t want kids around)
  • I have to have a travel companion and my husband prefers that it is him (😍❤️). I believe this is due to the Valium they prescribe even though I didn’t take it last time. Hell- I can’t have wine but I can Valium?! Tell me the sense in that. 
  • We have to travel to CA, obviously, as that is where the embryos and clinic are. We have to get there the day before the transfer and aren’t supposed to travel for 24 hours post procedure. So 3 days minimum. 

Now, we would normally ask my MIL to come and watch the kids since she takes a monthly trip to visit anyway, but for both transfers she has had some stuff going on at work and hasn’t been able to get away to help. We prefer this method as we don’t have to disrupt the kids too much- no packing, no forgetting things, no prep for them at all really. The childcare comes to us. But, again, not happening. 

In comes the best sister that has ever graced the face of the planet! She rescued us last time and has stepped up again!!! 

She has two kids of her own and is a professional kid wrangler (early childhood guru) and works with pre-k kids all day every day for a living. She reinforces good behavior (“please” and “thank you”) and has identical parenting procedures since I totoally model my parenting from watching her do such a beautiful job with her two. 

But, in order for her to help, she has to take off work. Plus her two still have to maintain their normal schedules (school, soccer, dance, etc.) so she has an additional two car seats to mess with.  Then, she will have twice as many kids- more breakfasts, lunches, and dinners- more teeth to brush- more kids to get ready (luckily her two are pretty independent as far as that goes)- more bumps, bangs, bruises that will need kissing- more mess to clean up at night- THE LIST GOES ON! It’s quite a feat. She amazes me with the grace and ease with which she performs these tasks. 

And her willingness to help us out so we can do this. 

I love her. ALL the ❤️❤️❤️.

So- we have to pack for ourselves (super easy- carry on only) as well as the kids (who need things like the pack-n-play and night time soothers and okay to wake clocks 🙄). We also have to drive to OK first and drop them off and then fly out of OKC. Then fly back, pack up, pick up, drive back to TX, and unpack and get ready for work/school etc. Its a pretty grueling trip all in all, but knowing my kids are well cared for and loved on while we are gone makes it a much easier task. 

I can totally see why the agency seeks people with strong family support. We certainly need it and couldn’t do it without them. 

I love you seestar!!!! ❤️😘

Transfer Plan and Schedule

I know that I had a TON of questions about what the schedule would look like so that I could, in my Type A fervor, plan and make arrangements and mentally prepare myself.

So, if that’s you- this is what our clinic does (or is doing for me!):

Transfer ScheduleI was trained to do Lupron shots (supposed to suppress my ovaries) but they are using estrace for that instead (YAY! Only one shot I have to worry about and I just lay there for it).

I have been on BC since the miscarriage started and only took it for 16 days (just over two weeks) before they sent the calendar.  So, if all goes according to plan, from start of miscarriage (bleeding started when BETA was still at a 50+) to transfer it will have been 6 weeks exactly.

I’m excited to get going again.  The waiting is easier now that I am SWAMPED in grading, but it is still really tough.  It feels like life is slightly delayed.  And really, it is.  We are putting all our plans and our normalcy on pause to do this so the longer it takes, the more frustrated I feel.

So- that’s where we are currently.  I’ll update again with the arrangements for transfer x2- which are a bit more hairy since school is in session and leaving kids with other people is a bit harder subsequently.

Till then… sending positive thoughts to all…

This

So, immediately following the misscarriage, a dear friend, who I taught with for a decade and who is a lover of words, sent this to me and I can’t even begin to explain how it helped. 


I know a lot of women out there struggling with infertility, or in the throws of motherhood, or just struggling to exist who can probably relate. 

Its message is so true. We don’t ever know how we will do it— but inevitably it gets done.  We adapt or we die. 

Anyway, to this friend (you know who you are) I say thanks in all the ways that the words can’t truly express. I love you. 

And to everyone else. Just keep on keeping on as best you can. You got this. 

Next Steps (Some Good News, Finally)

Last I left off, my beta level was considered “not pregnant” at 3.36 and we were waiting to hear from someone at the CA Clinic what was next. 

I figured, when I didn’t get an immediate orders for another blood draw, that perhaps they were working on a calendar. (🤞🏻) They are usually really quick on sending orders so I figured that no news was good news and told the IP’s just that. 

It was Wednesday around 6:30 pm (damn time difference drives me nuts) when I finally got an email (almost a whole week after the blood draw 🙄).

It had orders for my baseline ultrasound, my med calendar (all the same), and my lining check and blood draw. 

  • Baseline- MONDAY, Sept. 18- 8:00 am. As well as last day of BC
  • Meds- estrogen 3xday as well as baby aspirin, prenatal, vit D, & DHA supplement nightly
  • Lining check Oct. 3rd- (roughly 2 weeks after baseline)
  • Then, I assume if it goes like last time (which WAS technically successful), 6 days of nightly progesterone shots. 
  • TRANSFER date of Oct. 9th 🤞🏻🤞🏻🎉

I am thinking they will use their last little girl embryo (depending on thawing) and I am going to do lots of deep breathing to prevent the stress I feel when I think about how it’s the last one. I hate that feeling. I really don’t want to ruin their chances of getting a take home little baby 🎀girl 🎀. 😬😬😬

Also- my dad said that his doctor said treatments aren’t “in any rush” and he can schedule them at his leisure (he travels for work and once the treatments start- it’s 8 weeks straight 5xa week! 😳).  BUT, I feel like that means it isn’t too scary if they are willing to let him start in a month vs telling him they need to get after it right away. It can’t be that bad, then, right?! We also found out that the treatments are only 15 minutes long and have no serious side effects (no nausea, no hair loss, no loss of appetite, no pain during or residual, etc.). So that makes the whole thing seem way less scary! Whew. It’s still cancer and that’s so intimidating, but I’m confident he will be fine. 

Anyway- I don’t know if bad things must happen in 3’s. Perhaps the 3rd thing already happened and I just missed it because- uh— CANCER. But right now, today, things are looking up. 

I’m going to be more careful this go round. I don’t know that my behaviors need to change (I followed Dr. orders to a T, straight down to the no orgasms rule 😑) but I will certainly not be putting the cart before the horse like I did last time. I’ll steel my heart and mind a bit better until I’m released to my OB and the “danger zone” if far less drastic. 
So- that’s all for now. At some point this weekend I’ll have to force myself to sit and grade these damn essays. 170 of them 😩. But until then, I’ll enjoy one of my last days of drinking and go love on my family!

Lots of Waiting… and another hit.

I have found my rhythm.

Our family has found their rhythm… for the most part (hell, I’m dealing with a 3 year old and an 20 month old- there’s only so much that can be done). But, by and large, the problem areas that come with any new routine are starting to smooth out and things are working like a well-oiled machine.

I’ve appreciated the start of work and the busyness of all that entails as a much needed distraction from the miscarriage and the turmoil it left in its wake (my husband and I have been talking about moving and had made plans to do so next summer since we’d be finished with the surrogacy and it would be a perfect time to transition to a new state, new job, new school for the kids, etc.- That’s all been totally screwed up now. Argh…). Being back to work has helped give me something else to direct my attention towards- projects, assignment sheets, how to fine tune my lessons, grading 170 papers (etc.).  Essentially it makes all the waiting around seem a bit more bearable.  It also helps pass the time.  I’m so busy that I rarely have a minute to even process all the waiting since there is so much filling up my day that I don’t have time to worry.  It’s a good thing.

A week after going in and learning we would miscarry, my BETA was around 190.  But since I started bleeding that Monday, the CA Clinic Doc instructed me to start birth control again that Friday (5 days after the bleeding started).

A week after that blood draw I went in for another (this past Thursday), my BETA level was down to 3.  Anything under 5 is considered NOT pregnant but the nurse I have been communicating with originally instructed that we were waiting for the number to drop to ZERO.  When the lady called to tell me the results both the nurse and the doc for the CA Clinic were out of the office for the day so she couldn’t tell me what the 3 means as far as next steps.  Essentially she told me there are two options but I will hear officially soon.

  1. The 3.36 is NOT zero so I need to go in on Thursday and have ANOTHER blood draw that will hopefully have the beta ALL. THE. WAY. DOWN. and then we can move forward with another calendar.
  2. The 3.36 is “low enough” and they will go ahead and make plans and issue me another calendar for the next transfer date.

That phone call came on Friday so I am really hoping that I will know which of those two options will become my fate TODAY!  Any minute now… I hope.

On to the more personal info…

They say bad things happen in 3’s.  So one was obviously the miscarriage.  And then the second bad thing hit me last week on the day of the blood draw.  My dad had a procedure done, a biopsy.  It was exploratory and he kept telling me it was nothing and not to worry.  But, the results of the biopsy are in and my worst fears were confirmed: Prostate Cancer. I was sent reeling, once again.  I won’t get into all that- but I will say that I am petrified of what the 3rd thing will be.  I’m not sure my physical state and mental health can handle much more.

I don’t really know how to end this blog as it’s been tough to reprocess it all as I write it down.  But I do know that it will all work out.  It always does (just not always how we think it will).