I have found my rhythm.
Our family has found their rhythm… for the most part (hell, I’m dealing with a 3 year old and an 20 month old- there’s only so much that can be done). But, by and large, the problem areas that come with any new routine are starting to smooth out and things are working like a well-oiled machine.
I’ve appreciated the start of work and the busyness of all that entails as a much needed distraction from the miscarriage and the turmoil it left in its wake (my husband and I have been talking about moving and had made plans to do so next summer since we’d be finished with the surrogacy and it would be a perfect time to transition to a new state, new job, new school for the kids, etc.- That’s all been totally screwed up now. Argh…). Being back to work has helped give me something else to direct my attention towards- projects, assignment sheets, how to fine tune my lessons, grading 170 papers (etc.). Essentially it makes all the waiting around seem a bit more bearable. It also helps pass the time. I’m so busy that I rarely have a minute to even process all the waiting since there is so much filling up my day that I don’t have time to worry. It’s a good thing.
A week after going in and learning we would miscarry, my BETA was around 190. But since I started bleeding that Monday, the CA Clinic Doc instructed me to start birth control again that Friday (5 days after the bleeding started).
A week after that blood draw I went in for another (this past Thursday), my BETA level was down to 3. Anything under 5 is considered NOT pregnant but the nurse I have been communicating with originally instructed that we were waiting for the number to drop to ZERO. When the lady called to tell me the results both the nurse and the doc for the CA Clinic were out of the office for the day so she couldn’t tell me what the 3 means as far as next steps. Essentially she told me there are two options but I will hear officially soon.
- The 3.36 is NOT zero so I need to go in on Thursday and have ANOTHER blood draw that will hopefully have the beta ALL. THE. WAY. DOWN. and then we can move forward with another calendar.
- The 3.36 is “low enough” and they will go ahead and make plans and issue me another calendar for the next transfer date.
That phone call came on Friday so I am really hoping that I will know which of those two options will become my fate TODAY! Any minute now… I hope.
On to the more personal info…
They say bad things happen in 3’s. So one was obviously the miscarriage. And then the second bad thing hit me last week on the day of the blood draw. My dad had a procedure done, a biopsy. It was exploratory and he kept telling me it was nothing and not to worry. But, the results of the biopsy are in and my worst fears were confirmed: Prostate Cancer. I was sent reeling, once again. I won’t get into all that- but I will say that I am petrified of what the 3rd thing will be. I’m not sure my physical state and mental health can handle much more.
I don’t really know how to end this blog as it’s been tough to reprocess it all as I write it down. But I do know that it will all work out. It always does (just not always how we think it will).