It’s been about 5 days. The flowers the IP’s bought me are prettier than ever. The blooms are amazing.
Most of the time, the distraction of my family helps keep my mind off the heartache… the guilt… the sense of failure I am feeling.
On Friday, the day after the D&C, my kids went to school as normal so I had the morning to myself. Laying around didn’t seem like a great idea. So I cleaned. The house is practically spotless… as spotless as it can be when you have two kids and three dogs anyway.
I think, much like the first time, this will just linger. The tear producing waves are much further apart than they were on day one and I assume they will gradually grow far enough apart that I will not cry at all, one day.
I was talking to another surrogate about the loss she and her IP’s experienced. We’ve decided that this particular situation is VERY difficult. I certainly do not want to say it is any worse than any other woman experiencing a miscarriage- that is not it at all. There’s just a level of complication added to this that makes it so strange and hard to navigate. If it were just miscarriage, sadly, I know many women that I can talk to about that; I have people I could commiserate with. But the complication of losing someone else’s baby… there aren’t many women that can share that story. There is no guide book. There is no one to really provide any direction.
It’s also difficult for my husband. He mentioned the toll it’s taking on him. This is not our child, but, from what I have read, many men “recover” faster than the woman. She was the one that experienced constant reminders of what amazing thing her body was doing (or supposed to be doing) and when the pregnancy ends, she’s the one that both physically and emotionally must recover- there are hormones that must be contended with, and emotional scars, and a feeling of failure. I have all of those things, but I also have the concern and well-being of the IP’s that I must process. How are they? What can I do for them? How might I show them that I am thinking of them without re-opening a wound they are trying to keep clean and covered? What do I do in this terrible situation? It’s constantly there in the back of mind, ALL of this. And my husband just wants his happy wife and the mother of his children back.
He mentioned the other day that there have only been two times in our marriage that I have cried so hard he was worried about me. And, both of those times were when the surrogacy pregnancies failed. I do not want to call this pain a burden, but I do think that my husband might view it that way. And I do understand that- our family is complete, these worries amazingly didn’t plague our family… when we wanted kids, we luckily got them without ANY complications. And now we are taking on someone else’s struggle- which we knew. I, so naively, didn’t think any of this would happen. I thought that I would have a transfer, get pregnant, have a pretty uneventful pregnancy, and give this family a baby. I was so terribly, terribly, wrong.
I don’t know where this journey goes now. And I don’t even know if I will have a part in it. I deeply hope that I will. The desire to help a couple grow their family is still, very much, a part of my dream and my passion. But it isn’t up to just me (there are the IP’s, my husband, my family that must also be considered).