The never ending HCG… grrrr

I’m frustrated.  Surprise surprise, I know.

But look:

This is the test I took this morning.

And here is a comparison:

The top test is last week’s and the bottom one is this week’s.  WHAT THE HELL?!?  There’s STILL HCG in my fricking system.

I seriously thought, last week when I took the home pregnancy test, that this week’s test would be blatantly negative.  BUT IT ISN’T and that’s annoying.  I thought that after my period started things would be getting back to normal (which started the day after my last post), but THEY AREN’T.  Grrrrrrrr.  This is totally TMI but I’ve just finished a for-real, heavier than normal, period that lasted 6 days. When is this stuff going to be gone?!?!

I have read that it can take anywhere from 5-7 weeks for the hormone to leave your blood stream and since we were nearing the point in pregnancy where the number reaches it’s max (we were 11 weeks along), I am sure this is somewhat normal and “to be expected.”  But good heavens!!!  And, this is certainly not scientific, but it looks darker than last weeks?!?! When looking up what could cause that- I’m now learning about molar pregnancies. For fuck’s sake. 😩 (there is a strong chance that the urine sample was just more concentrated than last weeks… so I’m not calling the doctor yet… but good gracious!)

The crap I have learned after these couple of rounds of IVF and hormone injections and now losses… yuck.  Ignorance sure was bliss (I’m sorry, again, for those who read that are struggling to grow their families.  I am not trying to be insensitive.  I guess I’m just a little bitter about how this all played out).

Anyway, that’s all for this bitch session.  I promise to focus on more positive things soon.  Just not today.


4 thoughts on “The never ending HCG… grrrr

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this! The emotions of surrogacy are so unique, it can be hard to navigate through, let alone find people who understand. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t begin to imagine how frustrated you must be. I know that those positive tests just continue to serve as a constant reminder. What you are feeling is completely ok. I really hope that it ends for you soon so that you can begin to look forward on to better things. Much love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I didn’t think it would bother me as much as it has. It is a persistent reminder of my failure, so I guess that makes sense. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was upset, but this makes sense. I’m ready to let it all go.


      1. Please remember this was not a failure on your part. You did absolutely nothing wrong, what you did was an amazing and selfless thing and I’m sorry it has ended so sadly for you. I’ve been slowly learning that no matter how badly I want to let go that it is going to take time. Some days are better than others and some days are just plain s***. You need to allow yourself to grieve for the loss, for your journey and for your dream. Please be gentle with yourself during this time and remember that you are an amazing person. You are enough.

        Liked by 1 person

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