I’m tryin’ real hard, 2018, but damn it all to hell if you aren’t starting out to be the same kinda terrible 2017 was!
I need to preface this post with a couple of things so you girls (well, mostly girls) who read this can get a feel:
- I have had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t eat lunch.
- I had to take my 12 year old weimaraner, Luna, to the vet today for NOT good news.
- I’m on the verge of starting my period (I think) so I’m hormonal as all get out and crabby on top of it all.
So, bare with me as I mind dump all the shit, hormonally driven, from my body.
I took another HPT (home pregnancy test) today. It looks like this:
This is 4 weeks today from the D&C so my HCG number is just a pinch above 25mil (if I were to guess). And, as mentioned, I am hormonal and crabby. These are huge indicators for me that my period is nearing. Typing this, I go from angry pounding on the keys to wanting to dissolve into tears in sadness. For someone coming off a miscarriage (after 11 weeks of a seemingly healthy pregnancy) this test should bare with it good news (and don’t get me wrong, it does). I am almost done with this pregnancy and now the whole surrogacy process all together. My life is one step closer to going back to normal.
But, with that, I have a whole lot that I am apparently just now processing. For those of you who are struggling with growing your family- please forgive me for the whining that is about to commence. I KNEW when we signed up for surrogacy that my family was complete. I have a handsome son and a beautiful daughter and both are SMART (too smart, sometimes) and wonderful and sweet and full of energy— the list is endless. What more can a girl ask for?
But, as the HCG leaves my system, I am having a VERY hard time processing that this will be THE LAST TIME it ever does so. I am, tonight, fucking heartbroken about it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my life researching baby/uterus/ovulation/natural birth stuff and been on an adventure the last year of IVF/transfers/hormone supplements and all things surrogacy. What am I supposed to do with myself now? I feel a little lost. And I guess I am mourning the end of my baby making years. I didn’t have to do that after Sage because I was already in surrogacy mode. So, I’m just sad. Really sad and I just want to cry.
I do feel better just typing it out, though.
Then, add on to this sadness, the vet visit today.
My 12 year old (or is it 13?!?!) little (not really, she’s 61 lbs) Luna pup is sick. At the start of 2017 she had a growth on her tail. It got big really quick and then opened (yuck) but then healed itself and there is just a little scar now where the growth once was. Later that summer, I noticed another bump, this time on her chest. We watched it for a couple of weeks and it didn’t seem to bother her so we let it ride a bit longer. When it started growing in size, I assumed it would do the same thing as the one on her tail, open up and then heal. So it grew. And grew. And grew. It did open a couple of times and we kept hoping it would heal over, but is hasn’t. So the week after the miscarriage, we made an appointment to get her checked by the vet (again, FUCK YOU 2017). The vet thought it was a fast growing Mast Cell Tumor and a round of steroids would shrink it and then we could see what our options were.
I took her today and the damn thing is even bigger, almost softball sized. In addition to this, where it is on her chest makes it very difficult to surgically remove. AND- she’s an old lady (weim’s are typically 8-10 year dogs, so she’s really old by those standards). ALL of this lead the vet to basically shrug (not really, he was very kind and gentle about it when telling me) but I’ve basically got her on what would be equivalent to hospice care.
The hard part is that, other than the soft-ball sized tumor protruding from her chest, she is relatively healthy and happy. She eats, she is playful, she is still able to make it outside to “do her business,” and seems fine. But I’d bet she’s probably in more pain that I realize. But WHAT DO I DO???? I can’t put her down. I just can’t. She doesn’t seem sick. But do I wait until I KNOW she’s ready? How will I know? Ugh… this is just heart-wrenching.
So I’m just sad today and kinda angry about still being dealt a sad hand to play. Yuck.
Anyway- it’s not all bad (there’s a silver lining somewhere… I am sure I will find it) and I am sure I will feel better tomorrow after a solid night of sleep.