Tryin’ REAL hard 2018…

I’m tryin’ real hard, 2018, but damn it all to hell if you aren’t starting out to be the same kinda terrible 2017 was!

I need to preface this post with a couple of things so you girls (well, mostly girls) who read this can get a feel:

  1. I have had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t eat lunch.
  2. I had to take my 12 year old weimaraner, Luna, to the vet today for NOT good news.
  3. I’m on the verge of starting my period (I think) so I’m hormonal as all get out and crabby on top of it all.

So, bare with me as I mind dump all the shit, hormonally driven, from my body.

I took another HPT (home pregnancy test) today.  It looks like this:

This is 4 weeks today from the D&C so my HCG number is just a pinch above 25mil (if I were to guess). And, as mentioned, I am hormonal and crabby.  These are huge indicators for me that my period is nearing.  Typing this, I go from angry pounding on the keys to wanting to dissolve into tears in sadness.  For someone coming off a miscarriage (after 11 weeks of a seemingly healthy pregnancy) this test should bare with it good news (and don’t get me wrong, it does).  I am almost done with this pregnancy and now the whole surrogacy process all together. My life is one step closer to going back to normal.

But, with that, I have a whole lot that I am apparently just now processing.  For those of you who are struggling with growing your family- please forgive me for the whining that is about to commence.  I KNEW when we signed up for surrogacy that my family was complete.  I have a handsome son and a beautiful daughter and both are SMART (too smart, sometimes) and wonderful and sweet and full of energy— the list is endless.  What more can a girl ask for?

But, as the HCG leaves my system, I am having a VERY hard time processing that this will be THE LAST TIME it ever does so.  I am, tonight, fucking heartbroken about it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my life researching baby/uterus/ovulation/natural birth stuff and been on an adventure the last year of IVF/transfers/hormone supplements and all things surrogacy.  What am I supposed to do with myself now?  I feel a little lost.  And I guess I am mourning the end of my baby making years.  I didn’t have to do that after Sage because I was already in surrogacy mode. So, I’m just sad.  Really sad and I just want to cry.

I do feel better just typing it out, though.

Then, add on to this sadness, the vet visit today.

My 12 year old (or is it 13?!?!) little (not really, she’s 61 lbs) Luna pup is sick.  At the start of 2017 she had a growth on her tail.  It got big really quick and then opened (yuck) but then healed itself and there is just a little scar now where the growth once was.  Later that summer, I noticed another bump, this time on her chest.  We watched it for a couple of weeks and it didn’t seem to bother her so we let it ride a bit longer.  When it started growing in size, I assumed it would do the same thing as the one on her tail, open up and then heal.  So it grew.  And grew.  And grew.  It did open a couple of times and we kept hoping it would heal over, but is hasn’t.  So the week after the miscarriage, we made an appointment to get her checked by the vet (again, FUCK YOU 2017). The vet thought it was a fast growing Mast Cell Tumor and a round of steroids would shrink it and then we could see what our options were.

I took her today and the damn thing is even bigger, almost softball sized.  In addition to this, where it is on her chest makes it very difficult to surgically remove.  AND- she’s an old lady (weim’s are typically 8-10 year dogs, so she’s really old by those standards). ALL of this lead the vet to basically shrug (not really, he was very kind and gentle about it when telling me) but I’ve basically got her on what would be equivalent to hospice care.

The hard part is that, other than the soft-ball sized tumor protruding from her chest, she is relatively healthy and happy.  She eats, she is playful, she is still able to make it outside to “do her business,” and seems fine.  But I’d bet she’s probably in more pain that I realize.  But WHAT DO I DO????  I can’t put her down.  I just can’t.  She doesn’t seem sick.  But do I wait until I KNOW she’s ready?  How will I know?  Ugh… this is just heart-wrenching.

So I’m just sad today and kinda angry about still being dealt a sad hand to play.  Yuck.

Anyway- it’s not all bad (there’s a silver lining somewhere… I am sure I will find it) and I am sure I will feel better tomorrow after a solid night of sleep.



So, immediately following the misscarriage, a dear friend, who I taught with for a decade and who is a lover of words, sent this to me and I can’t even begin to explain how it helped. 

I know a lot of women out there struggling with infertility, or in the throws of motherhood, or just struggling to exist who can probably relate. 

Its message is so true. We don’t ever know how we will do it— but inevitably it gets done.  We adapt or we die. 

Anyway, to this friend (you know who you are) I say thanks in all the ways that the words can’t truly express. I love you. 

And to everyone else. Just keep on keeping on as best you can. You got this. 

Next Steps (Some Good News, Finally)

Last I left off, my beta level was considered “not pregnant” at 3.36 and we were waiting to hear from someone at the CA Clinic what was next. 

I figured, when I didn’t get an immediate orders for another blood draw, that perhaps they were working on a calendar. (🤞🏻) They are usually really quick on sending orders so I figured that no news was good news and told the IP’s just that. 

It was Wednesday around 6:30 pm (damn time difference drives me nuts) when I finally got an email (almost a whole week after the blood draw 🙄).

It had orders for my baseline ultrasound, my med calendar (all the same), and my lining check and blood draw. 

  • Baseline- MONDAY, Sept. 18- 8:00 am. As well as last day of BC
  • Meds- estrogen 3xday as well as baby aspirin, prenatal, vit D, & DHA supplement nightly
  • Lining check Oct. 3rd- (roughly 2 weeks after baseline)
  • Then, I assume if it goes like last time (which WAS technically successful), 6 days of nightly progesterone shots. 
  • TRANSFER date of Oct. 9th 🤞🏻🤞🏻🎉

I am thinking they will use their last little girl embryo (depending on thawing) and I am going to do lots of deep breathing to prevent the stress I feel when I think about how it’s the last one. I hate that feeling. I really don’t want to ruin their chances of getting a take home little baby 🎀girl 🎀. 😬😬😬

Also- my dad said that his doctor said treatments aren’t “in any rush” and he can schedule them at his leisure (he travels for work and once the treatments start- it’s 8 weeks straight 5xa week! 😳).  BUT, I feel like that means it isn’t too scary if they are willing to let him start in a month vs telling him they need to get after it right away. It can’t be that bad, then, right?! We also found out that the treatments are only 15 minutes long and have no serious side effects (no nausea, no hair loss, no loss of appetite, no pain during or residual, etc.). So that makes the whole thing seem way less scary! Whew. It’s still cancer and that’s so intimidating, but I’m confident he will be fine. 

Anyway- I don’t know if bad things must happen in 3’s. Perhaps the 3rd thing already happened and I just missed it because- uh— CANCER. But right now, today, things are looking up. 

I’m going to be more careful this go round. I don’t know that my behaviors need to change (I followed Dr. orders to a T, straight down to the no orgasms rule 😑) but I will certainly not be putting the cart before the horse like I did last time. I’ll steel my heart and mind a bit better until I’m released to my OB and the “danger zone” if far less drastic. 
So- that’s all for now. At some point this weekend I’ll have to force myself to sit and grade these damn essays. 170 of them 😩. But until then, I’ll enjoy one of my last days of drinking and go love on my family!

Lots of Waiting… and another hit.

I have found my rhythm.

Our family has found their rhythm… for the most part (hell, I’m dealing with a 3 year old and an 20 month old- there’s only so much that can be done). But, by and large, the problem areas that come with any new routine are starting to smooth out and things are working like a well-oiled machine.

I’ve appreciated the start of work and the busyness of all that entails as a much needed distraction from the miscarriage and the turmoil it left in its wake (my husband and I have been talking about moving and had made plans to do so next summer since we’d be finished with the surrogacy and it would be a perfect time to transition to a new state, new job, new school for the kids, etc.- That’s all been totally screwed up now. Argh…). Being back to work has helped give me something else to direct my attention towards- projects, assignment sheets, how to fine tune my lessons, grading 170 papers (etc.).  Essentially it makes all the waiting around seem a bit more bearable.  It also helps pass the time.  I’m so busy that I rarely have a minute to even process all the waiting since there is so much filling up my day that I don’t have time to worry.  It’s a good thing.

A week after going in and learning we would miscarry, my BETA was around 190.  But since I started bleeding that Monday, the CA Clinic Doc instructed me to start birth control again that Friday (5 days after the bleeding started).

A week after that blood draw I went in for another (this past Thursday), my BETA level was down to 3.  Anything under 5 is considered NOT pregnant but the nurse I have been communicating with originally instructed that we were waiting for the number to drop to ZERO.  When the lady called to tell me the results both the nurse and the doc for the CA Clinic were out of the office for the day so she couldn’t tell me what the 3 means as far as next steps.  Essentially she told me there are two options but I will hear officially soon.

  1. The 3.36 is NOT zero so I need to go in on Thursday and have ANOTHER blood draw that will hopefully have the beta ALL. THE. WAY. DOWN. and then we can move forward with another calendar.
  2. The 3.36 is “low enough” and they will go ahead and make plans and issue me another calendar for the next transfer date.

That phone call came on Friday so I am really hoping that I will know which of those two options will become my fate TODAY!  Any minute now… I hope.

On to the more personal info…

They say bad things happen in 3’s.  So one was obviously the miscarriage.  And then the second bad thing hit me last week on the day of the blood draw.  My dad had a procedure done, a biopsy.  It was exploratory and he kept telling me it was nothing and not to worry.  But, the results of the biopsy are in and my worst fears were confirmed: Prostate Cancer. I was sent reeling, once again.  I won’t get into all that- but I will say that I am petrified of what the 3rd thing will be.  I’m not sure my physical state and mental health can handle much more.

I don’t really know how to end this blog as it’s been tough to reprocess it all as I write it down.  But I do know that it will all work out.  It always does (just not always how we think it will).