Limbo… again.

This time last year we learned that our friend was pursuing surrogacy to grow their family.

We offered to carry for them in a pretty spontaneous gesture that essentially sent us head on into the world of surrogacy.

In January it will have been a full year that I completed my application.

A lot of the last year had been spent waiting.

Waiting to complete the application.

Waiting to be matched.

Waiting for medical clearance.

Waiting for psychological clearance.

Waiting for contracts.

Waiting for cycles to start.

Waiting for transfers.

Waiting for blood tests.

Waiting for u/s confirmations.

Waiting for shots to end.

But this current wait has definitely been the most angst producing by far.

I’m currently waiting to hear from the IP’s on what steps they want to take next.

The day we found out that the baby’s heart had stopped the CA Clinic called and, in what felt like added insult to injury, basically warned me that they would be advising the IP’s to find another surrogate. In the same conversation, the nurse said that I shouldn’t blame myself as there is nothing I could have done. Seems contradictory to me. It’s not you… but it is you.

So, over the course of the last week I’ve googled lord knows how many times what it means that we miscarried at 11 weeks. Or if other surrogates have been through something similar. Or I’ve tried to find other IP’s who have had their surrogate fail only to be successful later. I’ve read and re-read the card that was sent with the flowers from my IP’s in hopes of deciphering which way they may be leaning. I’ve terribly overanalyzed the silence from them. Are they mad? Are the just reeling still? Should I reach out to them? Or Do they need space? I’m driving myself crazy wondering where their head and hearts are.

I want so desperately to do what I set out to do- deliver a healthy baby back into the arms of their parents and help a family grow. But, as I linger in the limbo, I have to wonder if maybe this isn’t my path.

I don’t know that I have it in me to start again and rematch and I worry that if this clinic won’t use me- will any of them? Could I even help someone else if this miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy from before is enough to have the clinic advise the parents against me?

I 100% want what’s best for these amazing IP’s. I don’t want to bring them any more heartache and disappointment than I have already caused. So if it’s best that they walk away and find someone else, I respect that decision and will hold zero resentment for them making that call. It hurts my heart to think that might be what happens, but perhaps that’s selfish of me. Just because I want to do this for someone doesn’t mean that I can. Maybe I can’t. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to stop? Ugh. I don’t know.

Right now I’m giving them space. Though I am desperate to know what they are thinking.

I’ve written the IM 3 different letters but each time I end up deleting it. No matter how hard I try, each letter had a feeling of desperate pleading to let me be the one to try again and I don’t think that’s fair to put on them. They have hard enough decisions as it stands, they don’t need to be burdened with how their decisions will make me feel.

I do need to figure out what to say soon so I can send the package I have.

So, for now it’s more waiting.

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Amazing Students & Amazing friends

I was anxious headed to work today. I wasn’t sure how I would feel… what my students might say… which co-workers know what… etc. What, if any of this, might set me off crying again.

I got to my room and it was straight down to business. I got things organized for the start of the day and while doing so my friend from across the hall, the one that decided to do surrogacy with me at the same time, came in to check on me.

I didn’t want to feel it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t look her in the eye for fear of losing my shit. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t fair. I wanted to tell her to get the fuck out of my room.

You see, she’s pregnant with surro-twins. She’s almost 13 weeks into her journey with her two intended fathers. She’s succeeding where I am failing (TWICE NOW) and a part of me is so irate about it.

And then, add on top of that rage and bitter jealousy the feeling of complete shit, dirty guilt for even thinking about being mad at her for something that is no more in her control than it is mine. I felt hot tears begin to well up in my eyes as I re-straightened my desks for the second time just to keep busy doing something so I could avoid her gaze.

Yuck. THIS ISN’T ME.

I confessed to my husband and felt a bit better, but I know that my friend knew something was wrong and I would need to talk to her before the shame of my bitterness would truly melt away.

Classes went on without a hitch. I told each of them how thankful and proud I was that they did what was needed to stay on track and then picked up where they left off going over the plan for the next two weeks and introducing their final project.

My 5th period, though, I was completely overwhelmed. Just as I was getting ready to get class started, a group of girls from the period walked in with a gift basket for me.

I immediately began to ugly cry as the whole class had pitched in to buy the stuff inside and were now lining up to give me hugs. Even now as I write this the tears are falling. I can’t believe they did this for me. I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am. I’m just dumbfounded.

I’m also SO thankful that I waited to read the cards until my lunch period as the notes they wrote inside made me cry all over again. And the gift cards!?!? As if the goodie basket weren’t enough, they got me a Starbucks gift card, dinner for my husband and me, and movie rentals “so I can take it easy.” It’s just… it’s too much. I’m so… I don’t even know. I’m just blown away.

THEN… as if I hadn’t cried enough, my next class did the same damn thing!

Flowers and chocolates and lotions and comfy socks and bath salts and body scrubs and anything a girl might need to relax and pamper herself. 😭😭😭

I couldn’t even spit out a “thank you” before ugly sobs took over my body. This class is also my advisory period and we have actually talked quite a bit about the surrogacy process (and many other life topics) and I’ve answered a LOT of questions with them since we get 30 extra minutes together a couple times a week. They are outstanding kids and I am so thrilled that I have had the pleasure of their company this year.

Once we were able to get things back on track, I was interrupted again. This time with another beautiful bouquet of flowers from the English department. The outpouring of love from my students and co-workers is…

its…

Well…

It has left me speechless. I don’t even know what to say except that I felt the love today and it means the absolute world to me.

PS- I talked to my surrogate friend and apologized profusely for my immaturity and bitterness. I tried to explain as best I could about being overcome with jealousy and tried to explain how irrational and stupid I know I was acting. She was so gracious. She, having experienced two miscarriages when having her babies, had felt the same thing with one of her friends. They had gotten pregnant together only she “got left behind” when she miscarried and she felt a similar jealous anger then. I can’t tell you all how much better that made me feel. All of this can be so isolating but reaching out to find connection has proven to be a life raft when I feel I’m drowning alone. I love this friend and appreciate her honesty and help.

10 weeks 6 days Pregnant

I’m currently sitting outside my OB’s office for, what would be in a normal pregnancy, the FIRST doctor appointment.

This, however, is far from a normal pregnancy! I’m carrying a child that does not belong to me but instead belongs to two very special people who desperately want to grow their family but can not do it on their own.

I calculated the other day. So far on this journey I have:

  • Had 100 shots of progesterone
  • Inserted 224 progesterone vaginal suppositories
  • Swallowed 406 estrogen pills
  • Peed on 25 pregnancy tests
  • Had my blood drawn 7 times
  • Had 6 vaginal ultrasounds
  • Twice heard the racing heart of a little boy that I am so proud and honored to keep safe.

And ALL this happened before today where I will finally be “just another pregnant woman.”

My heart goes out to all the women out there that have done all that I mentioned above more times than they are willing to acknowledge. Many of whom are still waiting for their baby(ies).If I could help them all I would.

I’ll be honest- having never delivered with an OB let alone a hospital; I’m anxious because I do not know what to expect. I know I will have an ultrasound and then meet with the doc, but as always, blind corners bring with them nerves so I’m a bit jittery here waiting.

I do like my OB but I am NOT a fan of the answering service they use. It is damn near impossible to get ahold of anyone to ask simple questions and so frequently they will “call me back” but I never hear from anyone and then have to start the process over. Hopefully, now that I am officially a patient, it’ll be better. 🤞🏻

Amazing News!!!

I have a quick confession.  I am terrible at remembering things!  I mean, my husband’s birthday was yesterday and I damn near forgot to order his present (thank the heavens for Amazon Prime!!!).   Anyway, I knew my medications, both my injection of progesterone and my suppository, were running low, but I thought, “I’ve got time.” But then the day gets away from me (I blame Othello, the book I am teaching my seniors currently) and I kept forgetting to order more.

This morning, I realized as I was placing my suppository that I only had two more.  I needed my script refilled ASAP or I would miss a dose.  I would have called RIGHT THEN, but 7:00 my time is 5:00 CA time and no one would answer.  I put a reminder in my phone to call as soon as they opened.

It was right in the middle of class and I was pressed for time and put on hold.  Ugh.

I had a student take attendance for me and stepped into the hall.  Once I finally got to a person and gave her all my identifying info, she informed me that I didn’t have any more refills and the doctor would need call in another script.  WELL SHIT!?!?!

I got my students reading the play and then emailed the doctor’s office in a panic.  I was under the impression that I was to continue medications until instructed otherwise.  No one had told me to stop so CRAP!!!!  I was going to miss a dose.

Luckily, the nurse at the CA clinic immediately responded and gave me the BEST news I think I have heard all year:

MY LAST PILL, LAST INJECTION, LAST SUPPOSITORY WAS YESTERDAY!!!! 

I am free and clear to just be a normal pregnant person!

The timing of this… following those two SUPER painful injections that still have my backside throbbing… is just… well… just PERFECT.

I promptly ran across the hall to my friend, who is also a surrogate (pregnant with twins for two dads), to share the news.  She hates me now.  hahaha… She still has 3 days of shots to go and is a week and a half ahead of me!  Ha!

I would do a cartwheel if I thought I could!  Man… I’m stoked!

U/S Update! 8 weeks 2 days!

Baby is doing just great!  I got the IP’s on the phone and they got to hear all the stuff the doctor said as well as see the little one on the screen.  TECHNOLOGY IS JUST SO COOL!

Baby is measuring right on schedule, 8w2d.  Heart rate the first go round was 187 and the second time was 174.  The doctor showed us the arm buds, the head, and the bottom.  It’s such a miraculous thing! He told the parents that the heart was “very robust” and that there is “absolutely nothing to worry about as of right now.”  Yay!

PS- I was freaking nervous.  I can’t explain it.  My heart was racing the whole time in the waiting room and I couldn’t keep my foot still- the nervous energy needed out!  But, as soon as the doc came in and got things situated, he said, YEP… there it is!  I was able to take a deep breath.  Whew.  Hopefully I will get a call from the CA Clinic today that releases me to my OB/midwife team. fingers crossed!

 

Scared and Nervous

Sitting in the waiting room is like torture.

Sitting still is hard.

I’m thankful I went to school this morning as my students provided a much needed distraction from fears and anxiousness.

I really really really hope to give the IP’s good news today! Please let it be good news.

Please

Please

PLEASE!

Last BETA… U/S tomorrow

Okay, I finally got a call this afternoon about the last beta.

6 weeks pregnant on the nose (23dp5dt) my beta level was 11,387. I was a bit concerned and hoped/thought/wondered if I hadn’t heard her properly but I asked her to email me to verify and that was, in fact, the number.

I should point out, again, that I know jack about beta’s or IVF or FET’s or anything infertility based (and I need to say that I am aware of how lucky that makes me!). But it seems like if we were hoping, early on, for numbers to double every 48 hours- the 4,410 number I had a week ago should have skyrocketed. So when she said 11,387 I immediately worried.

BUT- the first few things I read in my frantic google search were pretty reassuring. Here’s one that lays out pretty clearly what HGC levels do in pregnancy: 
If this source is correct- 11,387 is a great number and hopefully, tomorrow, my IP’s will get to see their baby’s heartbeat!

Please cross some things and send some positivity this way!

🎃 Halloween 🎃 

Tucker was a bat: 


And Sage was a lady bug:


We had other outfits planned and purchased, but then the weather promptly decided it should act more like fall and be in the 50’s and rainy. 

So the short-sleeved, tutu, ladybug outfit for Sage morphed into a sweater ladybug outfit that had a hood attached. She still had to be tucked under a blanket to stay warm enough. And Tucker’s outfit morphed into the bat costume that went over long pants and long sleeves- layers! Yay! 

Tucker rode his bike and did an amazing job this year. 

Last year was his first time to trick or treat and we made it to about 5 houses before bedtime hit. I have to give two year old Tucker credit though, all the houses in this neighborhood are on acre lots so there was quite a few tiny steps to get to each of the doors. And he was enthralled with each item going into his bag which caused even more distraction and delay. 

This year though- a champ! We got half the circle block covered! He sang songs for the lady that would only give out her treat if they performed a trick. He was unfazed by the zombies that stood in the way of the candy at one house. Was THRILLED by the chainsaw that scared the living shit it of me (and might give me nightmares)! Rang all the doorbells, said “thank you,” and listened carefully when we were on the street! It’s these moments that I am reassured that we are doing our job as parents properly. 

Sage also did a good job, but she’s still shy and too bashful to sing. She needed me to hold her near the zombies (to be honest, I used her tiny red polka dotted body as my shield 😬). And she was not a fan of the chainsaw- I totally understand. She also stopped getting out of the stroller once we let her eat the Cheetos she earned at the previous house- which made things go quite a bit faster. 

Once home, the sugar rush and the tiredness kicked in and wrangling kids into PJ’s tested my parenting patience. But they are tucked in tight dreaming of all the candy they will beg us for all day tomorrow! 

Anyway- it was a great Halloween and though I’m exhausted, I’m ready for tomorrow. Last blood draw 💉 and then ultrasound on Friday. Crossing my fingers for amazing news for IP’s!!

Here’s a photo dump of my pumpkins with their pumpkins:

16dp5dt- BETA

So Wednesday I made a quick trip to the monitoring clinic for a blood draw. It’s been 7 days since the last one, and just FYI I DO NOT do math so I can’t do the figuring on the doubling ratio or any of that. 😂

9dp5dt- 124

11dp5dt-505 (more than double! Yay)

16dp5dt- 4,410 😳


It’s on the high end of the chart! Yay! I think these IP’s have an over achieving little guy in here!

My excitement is returning- I’m really hopeful that the U/S next week is some awesome news for these parents!!! Cross your fingers.

BETA numbers…

On Wednesday, 9dp5dt, my Beta was 146. This is a good solid number but last time it was 197 or something like that. So it was lower. Which doesn’t mean jack, and I am totally aware of this… but it didn’t calm my nerves. I, having peed on all the sticks in the state of TX, knew I was pregnant but I had really hoped that there would be something that would make me say, “whew, okay. There’s nothing to worry about.” 

But I am beginning to think that I won’t have that moment until there’s a heartbeat for the IP’s to hear. 

Though, after I got news of the second Beta, I did feel a little pressure lift. My numbers more than doubled!!! The second draw on Friday, 11dp5dt, was at 505!! The first time they didn’t quite double. 

This chart is used pretty regularly on one of the surrogate boards I participate in and helps women who are worried. 

So- beta numbers are good and the IP’s (I sure love them for listening and being on bored with my concerns) ordered two additional blood draws. So I will go again on Wednesday and then again a week after that. Then two days later the 6 week U/S!!! It seems a lot sooner this go round!