This time last year we learned that our friend was pursuing surrogacy to grow their family.
We offered to carry for them in a pretty spontaneous gesture that essentially sent us head on into the world of surrogacy.
In January it will have been a full year that I completed my application.
A lot of the last year had been spent waiting.
Waiting to complete the application.
Waiting to be matched.
Waiting for medical clearance.
Waiting for psychological clearance.
Waiting for contracts.
Waiting for cycles to start.
Waiting for transfers.
Waiting for blood tests.
Waiting for u/s confirmations.
Waiting for shots to end.
But this current wait has definitely been the most angst producing by far.
I’m currently waiting to hear from the IP’s on what steps they want to take next.
The day we found out that the baby’s heart had stopped the CA Clinic called and, in what felt like added insult to injury, basically warned me that they would be advising the IP’s to find another surrogate. In the same conversation, the nurse said that I shouldn’t blame myself as there is nothing I could have done. Seems contradictory to me. It’s not you… but it is you.
So, over the course of the last week I’ve googled lord knows how many times what it means that we miscarried at 11 weeks. Or if other surrogates have been through something similar. Or I’ve tried to find other IP’s who have had their surrogate fail only to be successful later. I’ve read and re-read the card that was sent with the flowers from my IP’s in hopes of deciphering which way they may be leaning. I’ve terribly overanalyzed the silence from them. Are they mad? Are the just reeling still? Should I reach out to them? Or Do they need space? I’m driving myself crazy wondering where their head and hearts are.
I want so desperately to do what I set out to do- deliver a healthy baby back into the arms of their parents and help a family grow. But, as I linger in the limbo, I have to wonder if maybe this isn’t my path.
I don’t know that I have it in me to start again and rematch and I worry that if this clinic won’t use me- will any of them? Could I even help someone else if this miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy from before is enough to have the clinic advise the parents against me?
I 100% want what’s best for these amazing IP’s. I don’t want to bring them any more heartache and disappointment than I have already caused. So if it’s best that they walk away and find someone else, I respect that decision and will hold zero resentment for them making that call. It hurts my heart to think that might be what happens, but perhaps that’s selfish of me. Just because I want to do this for someone doesn’t mean that I can. Maybe I can’t. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to stop? Ugh. I don’t know.
Right now I’m giving them space. Though I am desperate to know what they are thinking.
I’ve written the IM 3 different letters but each time I end up deleting it. No matter how hard I try, each letter had a feeling of desperate pleading to let me be the one to try again and I don’t think that’s fair to put on them. They have hard enough decisions as it stands, they don’t need to be burdened with how their decisions will make me feel.
I do need to figure out what to say soon so I can send the package I have.
So, for now it’s more waiting.