HCG negative!!! FINALLY

Tomorrow will make 7 weeks post D&C and I am finally registering as negative on home tests!!! Yay!!!

Rejoice!!!

Now… moving on.

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THE END OF D&C… or maybe?

I am exactly 23 days (just over 3 weeks) off from having the D&C and then the scary clot situation which I think was my body’s way of clearing everything out.

I just did a home pregnancy test and this was the result:

I think it’s all done. And I know my hormones are regulating as well because my chin is broken out. I’ve never been so pleased to have acne. 😂

My mood is better and my body feels better (though it never really felt BAD per-se).

Anyway- just an update- it was 3 weeks for the hormone to leave my body and I expect my period will resume in the new two/few depending on when I ovulate.

Updated-

About 5 minutes later I looked at the damn test again:

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Not quite gone but low enough to know that I’m nearing the end. 😕

Limbo… again.

This time last year we learned that our friend was pursuing surrogacy to grow their family.

We offered to carry for them in a pretty spontaneous gesture that essentially sent us head on into the world of surrogacy.

In January it will have been a full year that I completed my application.

A lot of the last year had been spent waiting.

Waiting to complete the application.

Waiting to be matched.

Waiting for medical clearance.

Waiting for psychological clearance.

Waiting for contracts.

Waiting for cycles to start.

Waiting for transfers.

Waiting for blood tests.

Waiting for u/s confirmations.

Waiting for shots to end.

But this current wait has definitely been the most angst producing by far.

I’m currently waiting to hear from the IP’s on what steps they want to take next.

The day we found out that the baby’s heart had stopped the CA Clinic called and, in what felt like added insult to injury, basically warned me that they would be advising the IP’s to find another surrogate. In the same conversation, the nurse said that I shouldn’t blame myself as there is nothing I could have done. Seems contradictory to me. It’s not you… but it is you.

So, over the course of the last week I’ve googled lord knows how many times what it means that we miscarried at 11 weeks. Or if other surrogates have been through something similar. Or I’ve tried to find other IP’s who have had their surrogate fail only to be successful later. I’ve read and re-read the card that was sent with the flowers from my IP’s in hopes of deciphering which way they may be leaning. I’ve terribly overanalyzed the silence from them. Are they mad? Are the just reeling still? Should I reach out to them? Or Do they need space? I’m driving myself crazy wondering where their head and hearts are.

I want so desperately to do what I set out to do- deliver a healthy baby back into the arms of their parents and help a family grow. But, as I linger in the limbo, I have to wonder if maybe this isn’t my path.

I don’t know that I have it in me to start again and rematch and I worry that if this clinic won’t use me- will any of them? Could I even help someone else if this miscarriage and the chemical pregnancy from before is enough to have the clinic advise the parents against me?

I 100% want what’s best for these amazing IP’s. I don’t want to bring them any more heartache and disappointment than I have already caused. So if it’s best that they walk away and find someone else, I respect that decision and will hold zero resentment for them making that call. It hurts my heart to think that might be what happens, but perhaps that’s selfish of me. Just because I want to do this for someone doesn’t mean that I can. Maybe I can’t. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me to stop? Ugh. I don’t know.

Right now I’m giving them space. Though I am desperate to know what they are thinking.

I’ve written the IM 3 different letters but each time I end up deleting it. No matter how hard I try, each letter had a feeling of desperate pleading to let me be the one to try again and I don’t think that’s fair to put on them. They have hard enough decisions as it stands, they don’t need to be burdened with how their decisions will make me feel.

I do need to figure out what to say soon so I can send the package I have.

So, for now it’s more waiting.

Days after loss- A surrogate’s side

It’s been about 5 days.  The flowers the IP’s bought me are prettier than ever.  The blooms are amazing.

Most of the time, the distraction of my family helps keep my mind off the heartache… the guilt… the sense of failure I am feeling.

On Friday, the day after the D&C, my kids went to school as normal so I had the morning to myself.  Laying around didn’t seem like a great idea.  So I cleaned.  The house is practically spotless… as spotless as it can be when you have two kids and three dogs anyway.

I think, much like the first time, this will just linger.  The tear producing waves are much further apart than they were on day one and I assume they will gradually grow far enough apart that I will not cry at all, one day.

I was talking to another surrogate about the loss she and her IP’s experienced.  We’ve decided that this particular situation is VERY difficult.  I certainly do not want to say it is any worse than any other woman experiencing a miscarriage- that is not it at all.  There’s just a level of complication added to this that makes it so strange and hard to navigate.  If it were just miscarriage, sadly, I know many women that I can talk to about that; I have people I could commiserate with.  But the complication of losing someone else’s baby… there aren’t many women that can share that story.  There is no guide book.  There is no one to really provide any direction.

It’s also difficult for my husband.  He mentioned the toll it’s taking on him.  This is not our child, but, from what I have read, many men “recover” faster than the woman.  She was the one that experienced constant reminders of what amazing thing her body was doing (or supposed to be doing) and when the pregnancy ends, she’s the one that both physically and emotionally must recover- there are hormones that must be contended with, and emotional scars, and a feeling of failure.  I have all of those things, but I also have the concern and well-being of the IP’s that I must process.  How are they?  What can I do for them?  How might I show them that I am thinking of them without re-opening a wound they are trying to keep clean and covered?  What do I do in this terrible situation?  It’s constantly there in the back of mind, ALL of this.  And my husband just wants his happy wife and the mother of his children back.

He mentioned the other day that there have only been two times in our marriage that I have cried so hard he was worried about me.  And, both of those times were when the surrogacy pregnancies failed. I do not want to call this pain a burden, but I do think that my husband might view it that way.  And I do understand that- our family is complete, these worries amazingly didn’t plague our family… when we wanted kids, we luckily got them without ANY complications.  And now we are taking on someone else’s struggle- which we knew.  I, so naively, didn’t think any of this would happen.  I thought that I would have a transfer, get pregnant, have a pretty uneventful pregnancy, and give this family a baby.  I was so terribly, terribly, wrong.

I don’t know where this journey goes now.  And I don’t even know if I will have a part in it.  I deeply hope that I will. The desire to help a couple grow their family is still, very much, a part of my dream and my passion.  But it isn’t up to just me (there are the IP’s, my husband, my family that must also be considered).

10 weeks 6 days Pregnant

I’m currently sitting outside my OB’s office for, what would be in a normal pregnancy, the FIRST doctor appointment.

This, however, is far from a normal pregnancy! I’m carrying a child that does not belong to me but instead belongs to two very special people who desperately want to grow their family but can not do it on their own.

I calculated the other day. So far on this journey I have:

  • Had 100 shots of progesterone
  • Inserted 224 progesterone vaginal suppositories
  • Swallowed 406 estrogen pills
  • Peed on 25 pregnancy tests
  • Had my blood drawn 7 times
  • Had 6 vaginal ultrasounds
  • Twice heard the racing heart of a little boy that I am so proud and honored to keep safe.

And ALL this happened before today where I will finally be “just another pregnant woman.”

My heart goes out to all the women out there that have done all that I mentioned above more times than they are willing to acknowledge. Many of whom are still waiting for their baby(ies).If I could help them all I would.

I’ll be honest- having never delivered with an OB let alone a hospital; I’m anxious because I do not know what to expect. I know I will have an ultrasound and then meet with the doc, but as always, blind corners bring with them nerves so I’m a bit jittery here waiting.

I do like my OB but I am NOT a fan of the answering service they use. It is damn near impossible to get ahold of anyone to ask simple questions and so frequently they will “call me back” but I never hear from anyone and then have to start the process over. Hopefully, now that I am officially a patient, it’ll be better. 🤞🏻

U/S Update! 8 weeks 2 days!

Baby is doing just great!  I got the IP’s on the phone and they got to hear all the stuff the doctor said as well as see the little one on the screen.  TECHNOLOGY IS JUST SO COOL!

Baby is measuring right on schedule, 8w2d.  Heart rate the first go round was 187 and the second time was 174.  The doctor showed us the arm buds, the head, and the bottom.  It’s such a miraculous thing! He told the parents that the heart was “very robust” and that there is “absolutely nothing to worry about as of right now.”  Yay!

PS- I was freaking nervous.  I can’t explain it.  My heart was racing the whole time in the waiting room and I couldn’t keep my foot still- the nervous energy needed out!  But, as soon as the doc came in and got things situated, he said, YEP… there it is!  I was able to take a deep breath.  Whew.  Hopefully I will get a call from the CA Clinic today that releases me to my OB/midwife team. fingers crossed!

 

8 Weeks 2 days… Pre-Ultrasound

We are, today, 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  It is the morning of our, hopefully, last U/S for the RE monitoring clinic and I’m nervous.  I’ve been nervous for a couple of days.

It’s so strange.  In both of my keeper pregnancies, I peed on a few sticks, was pretty confident I was pregnant, and somehow passed the time until I was 12 weeks along.  Then, I was finally able to visit with my midwife to fully verify that there was a little human growing in there.  And, even then, it was done only with a doppler.  It wasn’t until the 20 week anatomy scan that we actually got to see the baby in there!  What a trip that was!

With this pregnancy, there’s been so much attention!  I got to see the little guy tucked in on transfer day.  Then again 4 weeks after that for the heartbeat verification U/S.  And now two weeks later we will hopefully see him again.  So much attention!

But, as I mentioned, I’m nervous.  And it’s disquieting because I was NEVER really nervous before any of my appointments with my two babes.  I think I am just hyper aware of all the things that could go wrong.  And it isn’t just me that would feel the devastation, or my husband, but the IP’s and their family would also feel that sadness and heartache and it’s that pressure that makes me ever so anxious to know that all is well in there.

Tag onto all this that I have ZERO symptoms.  I may be more hungry than normal… but that is really about it and could easily be shrugged off.  I had a couple of days where I felt a bit a nauseous but maybe that was some sort of stomach bug because it has gone away completely.  I did feel like eating all the pickles in the fridge a few days ago but that isn’t all that abnormal for me, pregnant or not.

I am also on a surrogacy board with about 150 women who are in some stage of their surrogate journey and they live all over!  It’s pretty amazing to hear their tales, their success stories, and their complaints.  But, in addition to this, I also hear about their heartbreaks.  Obviously ranging in levels of tragedy, but most recently, a surrogate went in for the same U/S visit I am about to head out for, only to find out that the heart had stopped beating around 7 weeks.  Que tears.

Then, another lady who’s blog I follow had the exact same thing happen.  So, even though the change of miscarriage drops to like .01% once heartbeat is confirmed, it does still happen and that freaks me out.  I hate that for them and I hate that I am aware- so very very very aware- that it could, in fact, happen to us.

I wish there was some way to go back to being blissfully ignorant (yes, I am aware of the painful irony that statement carries coming from an educator).

Anyway, wish us all luck.  My appt. is 9:45 TX time so if you read this and have a second, send some positivity out into the world for my IP’s and also a little for me.

16dp5dt- BETA

So Wednesday I made a quick trip to the monitoring clinic for a blood draw. It’s been 7 days since the last one, and just FYI I DO NOT do math so I can’t do the figuring on the doubling ratio or any of that. 😂

9dp5dt- 124

11dp5dt-505 (more than double! Yay)

16dp5dt- 4,410 😳


It’s on the high end of the chart! Yay! I think these IP’s have an over achieving little guy in here!

My excitement is returning- I’m really hopeful that the U/S next week is some awesome news for these parents!!! Cross your fingers.